Lugnut's Guide to Life, Chapter 2

A guide to some of the strange things Mommy and Daddy will say to you. And what they actually mean.

1. "Harney time. Harney, harney, harney!" or any variation of this, including references to The Harney Boys Mystery Hour. This is their way of alerting us that it is time for a walk, which will require the wearing of a harness and leash. This is also their way of amusing each other with obscure cultural references to TV shows starring Shaun Cassidy and Parker Stevenson.

2. "Pank it. Pank that bottom." Basically put, our dog butts are irresistibly cute and should be lightly spanked at every opportunity.

3. "Where's your possy? Get it. Get that possy. Dirty nasty possy." They are advising us to find and subsequently play with our stuffed possum toy. Additionally, this toy is filthy, torn and quite possibly poses some type of biological hazard. If not for the fear of falling apart, a spin in the Maytag would be in order.

4. "Who's that? Is that your Daddeh? Where's Daddeh? Kisses for Daddeh." (Alternate versions of this may also refer to "Mommeh"). Our Human Father or Mother has returned to the home and we are being encouraged to greet them in an appropriately pleased fashion. Should we not exhibit wagging tails and excited licking behaviors, feelings may be hurt. Remaining asleep on the couch is not a wise option.

5. "Goddammit, get your muddy, wet paws off the bed! NOW!" This one is actually pretty self explanatory.

Badness Level: Orange

Lugnut's Guide to Life, Chapter 1

(A compendium of life lessons and advice, for the benefit of my brother Tango)

Riding in the Car...

1. Do not fear the vehicle. The car is good thing. A car ride almost always means we're going somewhere fun. The chances that they are taking us back to the shelter are practically nil. Despite what they tell us every night.

2. All fluids that are inside your body at the beginning of the car ride should remain inside your body until the ride has been concluded. Solids too, for that matter.

3. If you absolutely MUST drool, the back of the Mommy's head makes an acceptable (and actually quite absorbent) drool towel.

4. Learn to get in the vehicle by yourself. If you weigh more than 15 pounds and stand higher than a foot off the ground, having to be forcibly hoisted in is just sad.

5. Stay on your side of the backseat. If you step on me, I will cut you.

That'll Fill the Canister

(Dear Tango,

While I do not expect you to run in fear from the vacuum cleaner like your small swarthy brother does, you could try to work with me a little bit here. Because, while I appreciate the moral support, the next time I have to ask you to please move, or untangle the power cord from around a ginormous white paw, I am going to dispense with the niceties and start sucking up body parts indiscriminately. Consider yourself warned.

Love,
Mommy)

Size Matters

Giant dog... giant bone.

Tiny dog... giant bone.

Because Luggy can't stand not having everything that Tango does.

The Great Pyrenees...

...is a dignified and noble breed.

Cone Boy From Outer Space

And Q-Tips, And LP Covers, And...

5 things that should go in my mouth...

1. Empty toilet paper rolls

2. Plastic CD cases

3. Little Black Thing's head

4. Television remote controls

5. The shadow of a Jack in the Box antenna ball on a 2001 Corolla that I mistake for food every night on my walk. Every. Single. Night.

And The Oscar Goes To...

Dear Human Mother,

Well, you've done it again, haven't you?

This would have been a semi-cute little video if you hadn't accidentally leaned up against the light switch in the middle of it and plunged us into darkness. Thanks for that. Good thing it only took you about a day and a half to realize what had happened.

And I was this close to getting my SAG card. Nice work, Scorsese.

Love,
Tango


(Dear Tango,

Well, excuse the hell outta me. I can't help it if my upper arms are wide. I'm pretty sure most of it is muscle, really. And so what if I got a little confused and thought we had a power outtage. Just in the bedroom. There's no reason to be mean about things. I mean, seriously, were you hoping to win the Oscar for Best Performance By A Wildly Flailing Front Leg? Come on now, I totally saw you break the fourth wall at about 34 seconds in...

Oh, and by the way, Mr. Brando? The inside of your mouth? Is a less than appealing scent for Luggy's head. So there.

Love,
Human Mother)

This? Is Why I Loathe You...

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful

On Walking...

(Human Note -

Walking Tango is like driving a Cadillac with plush velour interior at 70 mph on cruise control on a flat stretch of highway between San Diego and Phoenix with no cops in sight.

Walking Luggy? Like trying to steer a shopping cart with two janky wheels in a crowded Von's at 6pm on Friday night. The day before Thanksgiving.)

The Age of Innocence

What?

We weren't doing anything wrong, I swear!

What? WHAT???

A Letter to Lugnut

Dear Little Black Thing,

I feel as though we have made great strides in our relationship in recent weeks. You regularly let me eat breakfast and dinner, you have not peed on me in several days, and you have finally stopped trying to shank me in the communal showers.

I want to take a moment to officially express my thanks for figuring out the whole playing thing. I told you it would be awesome. What is not to love about running up and down the hall at top speed, making horrendous noises and careening off the walls with me narrowly avoiding stepping on you and snapping your little chicken neck until Human Mommy needs her "medicine"?

You have done well, young Grasshopper. Tug of war suits you. I am proud of you.

Your Brother,
Tango

(Human Note -

Hasn't anyone ever heard of playing OUTSIDE? Anyone??)

Here In Your Car...

Dear Human Mommy,

Super sorry I peed about 20 gallons worth in your SUV on the way to the vet's office. And also on the way back.

Love,
Tango


Dear Tango,

No worries. Why do you think I insisted your Daddy put that ratty old sleeping bag we got for free at a garage sale in the back of said SUV before I hoisted your fuzzy butt in?

I'm one step ahead of you, buddy. One step ahead...

Love,
HM

So Fluffy. So Evil.

Dear Human Mother,

You may have thought you were adopting a one and a half year old Pyrenees named Tango, but now the truth can be revealed.

I am the ancient demon Tango-Maru, White Wookie of Chaos, Destroyer of Expensive Hand-Made Leather Wallets, Chewer of LP Record Sleeves, and Bringer of Death To True Blood Season II DVD Packaging. With my faithful companion, the tiny black fruit bat / gargoyle hybrid, Luggy-san by my side, I shall roam your household at night, creating havoc, bringing righteousness and order to its knees and chewing stuff what smells good.

Throughout the centuries I have tortured mankind by unleashing my awesome powers of destruction and turmoil. And also by not coming when I'm called.

Weep, puny humans! Weep for your end is near! Weep for Paul Simon's Greatest Hits! (And enjoy your trip to WalMart tonight, because those DVD's weren't even yours.)

Love,
Tango-Maru

(Human Rebuttal...

Dear Ancient Fluffy Wookie Demon Thing,

You suck. And your little fruit bat / troll sidekick who barfed all over the bed this morning? Yeah, not too thrilled with him either.

You ate that wallet the same night your Daddy bought it, right through the pocket of his pants. Do you know how rarely he actually buys something for himself? Do you know many pairs of pants he has that he can now never put change into? And what you did to True Blood Season II has brought shame upon this house. It's a good thing you are cute.

As for Paul Simon's Greatest Hits? Meh... No one really likes Paul Simon anyway.

You are not that tough. I happen to know for a fact that you are afraid of the garbage truck.

So, knock this shit off. Seriously. Because those nightly doggy head massages and brush-me-til-I-fall-asleep sessions? Those will end so fast it will make your fat white Wookie head spin, Mister. Yeah, I will go there.

To sum up - Bad demon. No chew.

Love,
Human Mommy)

Tango Lessons - Wednesday, July 28

Ice cubes? Awesome! Even more awesome? BOBBING for icecubes!!!

(Human note - While bobbing for icecubes is, indeed, awesome to the max, I have come to the conclusion that this should be a strictly outdoor activity going forward. You see, the bobbing does not stop just because the icecubes are gone. And when the big white Wookie head plunges deep into a container full of water looking for more cubes, something's gonna get displaced. All over the kitchen floor. I'm just saying...)

An Open Letter to Lugnut

Dear Little Black Thing,

I understand that you were here first. I understand that you do not care for me. I understand that you live underneath the couch like some kind of strange one-eyed troll, and occasionally dart out to try to kill me. I understand that, at night, you claim all bed territory (and people therein), in the name of France. I get all that…

This does not mean, however, that all the toys in the house are yours. Despite your obvious talent at hoarding things, I highly doubt that you can play with Lambie Fluffster, Squeaky Squirrel Teapot and Weird Nylon Monkey Face Thing all at one time. And, Giganto Kong does not even belong to you in the first place. You can’t even fit any part of it into your mouth, so you are fooling no one there.

Let me clarify – I’m not angry. I even forgive you for the theft and subsequent disemboweling of Pink And Purple Leopard Octopus With Dangling Tentacles, who was specifically purchased for me. That toy was bigger than your entire body, and when you tried to play with it, it looked as you were being attacked and eaten by it. It resembled a bad outtake from a psychedelic version of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. However my disappointment over the loss of PAPLOWDT does not excuse my behavior with Lambie Fluffster last evening. In retrospect, it was mean-spirited of me to steal him when you weren’t looking and just walk around with him in my mouth. I don’t know what came over me.

I am simply suggesting that I also enjoy playing with toys, and that there are more than enough toys to go around. Perhaps your kinder nature could be prevailed upon so that we can share the many toys littering the floor of our shared abode? I am open to meeting somewhere neutral for coffee and talking this all through… I am confident a compromise can be reached. I await your response.

Your Brother,
Tango


P.S. That thing I did this morning where I laid my front end down on the ground and stuck my hind end up in the air with a happy look on my face was called a play bow. Do some research and formulate a response. Because it will happen again.

Tango Lessons - Friday, July 23, 2010

1. If you brush me long enough, I will fall asleep. I like being brushed. You like brushing me. Everybody wins.

2. Occasionally, I enjoy a light snack of Kleenex from the garbage can.

3. I have no objection to your putting your entire hand into my mouth. This could change going forward as I discover the correlation between your hand in my mouth and the removal of Kleenex from the same.

4. I like to drink water. Sometimes I also find it pleasurable to blatantly and unashamedly take my paw and tip over the water bowl, creating a small lake on the kitchen floor. It’s pretty.

5. It pleases me to rest my behind upon your bedside table. It’s the right height. It’s conveniently located. I don’t see a problem here.

Introducing Tango

When I lost Ranger, my Saint Bernard mix, to osteosarcoma in Feburary of 2010, I knew that eventually I would have another big dog.

Very shortly after we lost Ranger, we acquired Lugnut. Brian (the World's Best Fiance') had been wanting a small dog for quite some time, and we agreed not to bring another dog into the house until Ranger was no longer with us. Ranger was always choosy about his doggy friends to begin with, and we felt that the pain and stiffness in his leg due to the cancer was not exactly going to make him more warm and open to taking on a full-time roommate. It was his time to be the only special boy.

After he passed, we decided that the perfect dog for us would be a tough, scrappy little mutt that we could cart around to car shows and and on road trips. (OK, actually the WBF decided that. I still wanted a giganto dog.) He decided on a name and we set out to find the ugliest, neediest, most disturbing dog possible to fit the title. We ended up with Luggy, and even though I am not entirely sure he is actually a dog at all (possibly some rare form of ground-walking fruit bat??), there is indeed a special place for him in my heart. And in my dirty clothes, where he likes to sleep.

So, our little family of three was almost complete and getting on well. Except, a part of me was still empty. I still longed for my big dog.

Then we saw Tango online at a nearby shelter... Tango is a one and a half year old Great Pyrenees with biggest head and longest legs you have ever seen. He looks like some kind of mutant white Wookie...

After heroic efforts on the part of WBF to get Tango into our lives, he is here. For better or for worse...

Either way, this is his forum and he's got alot on his mind.