An Open Letter to Lugnut

Dear Little Black Thing,

I understand that you were here first. I understand that you do not care for me. I understand that you live underneath the couch like some kind of strange one-eyed troll, and occasionally dart out to try to kill me. I understand that, at night, you claim all bed territory (and people therein), in the name of France. I get all that…

This does not mean, however, that all the toys in the house are yours. Despite your obvious talent at hoarding things, I highly doubt that you can play with Lambie Fluffster, Squeaky Squirrel Teapot and Weird Nylon Monkey Face Thing all at one time. And, Giganto Kong does not even belong to you in the first place. You can’t even fit any part of it into your mouth, so you are fooling no one there.

Let me clarify – I’m not angry. I even forgive you for the theft and subsequent disemboweling of Pink And Purple Leopard Octopus With Dangling Tentacles, who was specifically purchased for me. That toy was bigger than your entire body, and when you tried to play with it, it looked as you were being attacked and eaten by it. It resembled a bad outtake from a psychedelic version of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. However my disappointment over the loss of PAPLOWDT does not excuse my behavior with Lambie Fluffster last evening. In retrospect, it was mean-spirited of me to steal him when you weren’t looking and just walk around with him in my mouth. I don’t know what came over me.

I am simply suggesting that I also enjoy playing with toys, and that there are more than enough toys to go around. Perhaps your kinder nature could be prevailed upon so that we can share the many toys littering the floor of our shared abode? I am open to meeting somewhere neutral for coffee and talking this all through… I am confident a compromise can be reached. I await your response.

Your Brother,
Tango


P.S. That thing I did this morning where I laid my front end down on the ground and stuck my hind end up in the air with a happy look on my face was called a play bow. Do some research and formulate a response. Because it will happen again.