Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful

On Walking...

(Human Note -

Walking Tango is like driving a Cadillac with plush velour interior at 70 mph on cruise control on a flat stretch of highway between San Diego and Phoenix with no cops in sight.

Walking Luggy? Like trying to steer a shopping cart with two janky wheels in a crowded Von's at 6pm on Friday night. The day before Thanksgiving.)

The Age of Innocence

What?

We weren't doing anything wrong, I swear!

What? WHAT???

A Letter to Lugnut

Dear Little Black Thing,

I feel as though we have made great strides in our relationship in recent weeks. You regularly let me eat breakfast and dinner, you have not peed on me in several days, and you have finally stopped trying to shank me in the communal showers.

I want to take a moment to officially express my thanks for figuring out the whole playing thing. I told you it would be awesome. What is not to love about running up and down the hall at top speed, making horrendous noises and careening off the walls with me narrowly avoiding stepping on you and snapping your little chicken neck until Human Mommy needs her "medicine"?

You have done well, young Grasshopper. Tug of war suits you. I am proud of you.

Your Brother,
Tango

(Human Note -

Hasn't anyone ever heard of playing OUTSIDE? Anyone??)

Here In Your Car...

Dear Human Mommy,

Super sorry I peed about 20 gallons worth in your SUV on the way to the vet's office. And also on the way back.

Love,
Tango


Dear Tango,

No worries. Why do you think I insisted your Daddy put that ratty old sleeping bag we got for free at a garage sale in the back of said SUV before I hoisted your fuzzy butt in?

I'm one step ahead of you, buddy. One step ahead...

Love,
HM

So Fluffy. So Evil.

Dear Human Mother,

You may have thought you were adopting a one and a half year old Pyrenees named Tango, but now the truth can be revealed.

I am the ancient demon Tango-Maru, White Wookie of Chaos, Destroyer of Expensive Hand-Made Leather Wallets, Chewer of LP Record Sleeves, and Bringer of Death To True Blood Season II DVD Packaging. With my faithful companion, the tiny black fruit bat / gargoyle hybrid, Luggy-san by my side, I shall roam your household at night, creating havoc, bringing righteousness and order to its knees and chewing stuff what smells good.

Throughout the centuries I have tortured mankind by unleashing my awesome powers of destruction and turmoil. And also by not coming when I'm called.

Weep, puny humans! Weep for your end is near! Weep for Paul Simon's Greatest Hits! (And enjoy your trip to WalMart tonight, because those DVD's weren't even yours.)

Love,
Tango-Maru

(Human Rebuttal...

Dear Ancient Fluffy Wookie Demon Thing,

You suck. And your little fruit bat / troll sidekick who barfed all over the bed this morning? Yeah, not too thrilled with him either.

You ate that wallet the same night your Daddy bought it, right through the pocket of his pants. Do you know how rarely he actually buys something for himself? Do you know many pairs of pants he has that he can now never put change into? And what you did to True Blood Season II has brought shame upon this house. It's a good thing you are cute.

As for Paul Simon's Greatest Hits? Meh... No one really likes Paul Simon anyway.

You are not that tough. I happen to know for a fact that you are afraid of the garbage truck.

So, knock this shit off. Seriously. Because those nightly doggy head massages and brush-me-til-I-fall-asleep sessions? Those will end so fast it will make your fat white Wookie head spin, Mister. Yeah, I will go there.

To sum up - Bad demon. No chew.

Love,
Human Mommy)