Lugnut's Guide to Life, Chapter 2

A guide to some of the strange things Mommy and Daddy will say to you. And what they actually mean.

1. "Harney time. Harney, harney, harney!" or any variation of this, including references to The Harney Boys Mystery Hour. This is their way of alerting us that it is time for a walk, which will require the wearing of a harness and leash. This is also their way of amusing each other with obscure cultural references to TV shows starring Shaun Cassidy and Parker Stevenson.

2. "Pank it. Pank that bottom." Basically put, our dog butts are irresistibly cute and should be lightly spanked at every opportunity.

3. "Where's your possy? Get it. Get that possy. Dirty nasty possy." They are advising us to find and subsequently play with our stuffed possum toy. Additionally, this toy is filthy, torn and quite possibly poses some type of biological hazard. If not for the fear of falling apart, a spin in the Maytag would be in order.

4. "Who's that? Is that your Daddeh? Where's Daddeh? Kisses for Daddeh." (Alternate versions of this may also refer to "Mommeh"). Our Human Father or Mother has returned to the home and we are being encouraged to greet them in an appropriately pleased fashion. Should we not exhibit wagging tails and excited licking behaviors, feelings may be hurt. Remaining asleep on the couch is not a wise option.

5. "Goddammit, get your muddy, wet paws off the bed! NOW!" This one is actually pretty self explanatory.

Badness Level: Orange

Lugnut's Guide to Life, Chapter 1

(A compendium of life lessons and advice, for the benefit of my brother Tango)

Riding in the Car...

1. Do not fear the vehicle. The car is good thing. A car ride almost always means we're going somewhere fun. The chances that they are taking us back to the shelter are practically nil. Despite what they tell us every night.

2. All fluids that are inside your body at the beginning of the car ride should remain inside your body until the ride has been concluded. Solids too, for that matter.

3. If you absolutely MUST drool, the back of the Mommy's head makes an acceptable (and actually quite absorbent) drool towel.

4. Learn to get in the vehicle by yourself. If you weigh more than 15 pounds and stand higher than a foot off the ground, having to be forcibly hoisted in is just sad.

5. Stay on your side of the backseat. If you step on me, I will cut you.

That'll Fill the Canister

(Dear Tango,

While I do not expect you to run in fear from the vacuum cleaner like your small swarthy brother does, you could try to work with me a little bit here. Because, while I appreciate the moral support, the next time I have to ask you to please move, or untangle the power cord from around a ginormous white paw, I am going to dispense with the niceties and start sucking up body parts indiscriminately. Consider yourself warned.

Love,
Mommy)